It seems like everywhere I look I see articles about the plight of the single educated black female. We are written about as if we are some kind of rare endangered species. For a while I actually began to buy into all the negativity. I would read every article or blog about why I am not married and how it’s so hard to find a good black man because large populations of African American men are incarcerated. Like a moth to a flame I fluttered my wings dangerously close to the fire. Why, you ask? Well I suppose because I, like many other women, and not just black women, have been very unlucky in love. I did the only thing that any studious well educated black woman would do, and that’s research the how’s and why’s. I thought maybe if I could figure out the source of the problem I could fix the root cause of my unlucky streak. While I didn’t find an answer so to speak, what I did find was negative self fulfilling prophecies’ with each article that I read.
I actually started believing the hype. I started believing that the further I climbed the ladder of success the harder it would be for me to find a mate. I started believing I was doomed to be single forever. While I don’t believe this to be true based on the context within which it was delivered, I do think there is some validity to this claim. Let me explain my position on this. I feel as though a woman that is well educated, successful, and centered is more apt to know exactly what she wants and will not settle for less than what she deserves. Therein lies the rub dolls! Its not that we (beautiful educated single black women) cannot find a man, we can and with little effort. The issue is that the men that are presenting themselves to us are subpar for lack of a better term. Or they only want to have “fun” (meaning let’s just be cutty buddies). Now when I say subpar, I’m sure many of you are thinking, “mmm hmmm that’s why you don’t have a man because your standards are too high”. First and foremost, let me clarify that there is nothing wrong with having standards. It’s the women who have frivolous standards that give us normal standards women a bad rap! What might you ask is a normal and frivolous standard? I’m glad you asked because I was going to elaborate anyway! Normal standards are requiring a man to be gainfully employed, a man that has his own things, requiring some kind of physical attraction, doesn’t have 3 kids with 3 different baby mamas, and is spiritually grounded. On the other end of the spectrum, some frivolous standards are requiring a man to make a certain amount of money, requiring a man to be in a certain profession, and setting height/weight standards as well as color/ethnicity requirements.
Another major issue for many educated black women is men who feel emasculated, inferior, or intimidated because of a woman’s success. These are the men that present themselves as a catch of the day but in fact after getting taste of the ebw’s life, he begins to feel overshadowed. That’s when they don their captain save-a-hoe cape and go searching for the closest needy, problem prone chick they can find. I’ve met quite a few men with the captain save-a-hoe syndrome so don’t tell me it doesn’t exist. In finding these needy problem prone women, men with captain save-a-hoe syndrome can feed their egos by constantly having to save their woman from some kind of issue regularly. What issues do I mean? Well there are the women with the baby daddy problems, then there’s the woman with the financial problems, and last but not least and one of my favorites, the woman with the “emotional” problems. Of course there are many factors that come into play as far as relationships and the educated single black woman is concerned. They are in fact too numerous to name. The bottom line is that many ebw are single because they simple are not looking. Our (ebw) problems are not so un-similar to that of our white counterpart. Granted more often than not their dating pool is often larger (more willing to date outside their race and more accepted by other races) but they too have to grease those lips up and kiss a multitude of frogs before they find their prince. It’s always somewhat amusing to me, when people find out that I’m single it’s like they feel this need to want to set me up with someone! However well intentioned they may be the fact of the matter is, I’m single and not looking. Yes, yes, I have heard the saying, “when you fall off the saddle, get back on it”. While I have fallen many times off of the saddle and not very gracefully at times I might add, I have decided to chill on the ground for a bit. I’m giving my lips and the jar of Vaseline a rest for the time being. Everyone needs time to regroup and tend to their wounds. There is no exception when it comes to dating and relationships.
